CLicK

There are many times that I find myself wondering what is wrong with me. I mean what is really, fundamentally wrong with me. There are so many things wrong that I am hard pressed to put my finger on just one.

I have guys that are practically bending over backwards for me to show them some attention, but I just don't care a fig for them. I always seem to pine after that which I cannot have. Even when I've bitten at forbidden fruit and found it bitter I long for it still. Rob was the last guy that I got my head and heart wrapped up in and that went no where. I don't even talk to him anymore. :(

I feel so lost and directionless too much of the time. I find myself so frustrated with how and who I am. I want to change, but I find it hard. I just find myself wanting to find some way to get lost, to forget. I just want to go away and never come back again.

20

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Every tried using a computer that your cat insisted on trying to make into a pillow. I kept losing my spot because he would keep laying on the Home key!

Not much else to say except I finally got to try out my new fishing rods that I bought 2 weeks ago. I'm very impressed with my casting rod and reel, but I need a better reel for my fly rod.

Okay, bed time kids!

So I recieved a cheque in the mail. Unexpected, needed, and very cool! So what makes me go huh? about this gift? Well I left British Columbia almost 2 years ago now and the cheque was from the government of British Columbia!!! *snort*

Seriously, huh? The only way I cam figure this is that I accidently filed my taxes last year as a BC'er rather than an Albertan. Except this was addressed to my current address here in Alberta and I only moved here a few months ago....

*hmmm* This is a real oddity! That's for sure. I don't how or why I have recieved this cheque, but I need it!

Today was my big Ikea trip. I went to buy what I needed to make my room a nice place to be. Unfortunately I didn't have the money to buy everything I needed. So I settled with 1/3 of what I needed and a few odds and ends of wanted stuff.

I do finally have a colour scheme for my room. A first in my life. I usually don't get past doing the theme for the bathroom before I get bored. However, this time I have only my own room to worry about. My colour scheme you ask? It's food inspired (of course). Blood Orange, Butter Yellow, Chocolate brown.

The shelving units I bought today will be stained a rich chocolate brown. The ones I will be buying in the future will be stained the same colour of course. I am on the lookout for a cool patterned fabric for my curtains. I also need bed spread to match.

I bought some nice blood orange coloured pots for plants (yes, I am going to try keeping plants alive again). I bought some magazine holders that will be painted yellow. I have so much to do though. *sigh* I just want everything to be done now......

I was talking to my best friend Izzie today. She was telling me that she had a really disturbing dream about me the other night. She dreamt that I had become addicted to cocaine. I had pissed off and cut off all my friends and family. I had stopped paying my bills so I could keep doing drugs.

Apparently it was really realistic.

The odd thing, I've had a really similar dream (as close as I come to dreaming anyway) about myself.

Other odd thing, if I was to become a drug addict, that would be my drug of choice.

Thankfully I couldn't really afford that habit...well okay I could if I stopped paying my bills, but I don't want to be doing that. I won't even sacrafice a bit of grocery or fun money for alcohol...why would I for anything else?

The roommates I have often prompt me into interesting conversations. They are usually the type where I ask a lot of questions as I am the sort to always be curious about the thoughts and observations of others. Al is often one of the most people I am most curious about. She has a different way of thinking and seeing things. I like that about her.

Today was the question...What is normal anyway? People, including Al, can only really describe me as "weird", "odd" or "crazy". So if I am "not normal" than what is normal and why am I not? She said to me.."Normal are the people that just don't stand out. They are exactly what you expect, every time. You don't ever find yourself thinking about them."

I had to mull that statement over for awhile. I thought about the masks that we all portray, to the world and to ourselves. Is anyone truly normal, really? If you really got to know someone would you always consider them as "normal"? I'm sure everyone is a little "off"...aren't they?

Of course this always bring me back to thinking about the clever lies we tell the world about ourselves....and the clever lies we tell to ourselves. Am I who I think I am? Or am I just another clever lie? Do I only tell myself what I want to hear? Is the concious me unaware of the real me? What makes me "weird"?

Mostly, how do I know that who I think I am is not a lie I tell myself? How do you seperate fact from fiction when you are the creator of both?

*argh* And most of all, why do I have to think about these things?

I may not always be the easiest person to live with, but there are a few good things. I made breakfast for my roommate this morning. What did I make? Well she wanted eggs sunnyside up....so I made.

Fresh croissants, whipped cream, fresh berries, sliced baguette, brie, eggs, bacon and hashbrowns.

The coffee was already made so I didn't have to make that. It was nice to get up and make a real breakfast. I wish I couild do that everyday. It sure was filling. :)

I think I shall always find myself envious of those who find sleep easy. It is on nights like this that I am reminded of what does not work to ease myself to sleep....which is everything. The only thing I haven't tried is drugs to help me sleep, but I hesitate to walk that road.

I spend much time staring at the clock, watching it tick along. Betraying the moments to me. I wish that it would just stop, allow me time to catch up....As tired as I am, sleep does not come as it should. Why does it have to be so hard?

I'll try again since I have so much to do before I have to go to work tomorrow. Just once, I wish there was a sure fire way to get myself to sleep....

...I've only lived here for what...4 months now? And I am just now getting to organizing my room. Despite the fact that I went to bed really late I woke up really early just to try and tackle my room. It was exhausting, but I am happy with the what I've done so far. Somehow I managed to create the illusion of more space.

Of course it's not finished yet because I did have to work today. I need to get up early tomorrow so that I can run out to the mall and do some shopping. I need to buy a few things to help organize myself and I seem to have run out of hangers. Perhaps I should downsize my closet? Naw.

Still so much to do, but at least I have finally started!

In this six day week I have had to work two 9 hr shifts. In fact, I just worked the busiest shift of the day on my own. I should have had someone else, but they didn't show. I feel dead. I never had lunch before going to work...my last meal was breakfast. I made hashbrowns and a mexican omelette. I did manage to stuff a doughnut and some jerky down my throat during my shift.

Now I am just too tired to cook. So instead I am having a liquid dinner of rye and coke. Not the brightest thing to do, but it's something. My feet feel like they are ready to fall off and I am sweating to death from running around so much...not to mention it's freaking hot out still.

I really wish I had won the 43 million. I so need a vacation.

Here we go again. I have been home from work for 3 hrs now and I can't seem to sleep...not that I've really tried. I am going through and episode again I think. I wish I could just sleep like a "normal" person. Instead I sit here and sip my coke and rye. Not a bright solution and it doesn't help me sleep. It more helps me not to despair and dwell on the non-sleeping.

At least I don't work until the afternoon. Gawd I hatge being on afternoons. I can't wait till I get promoted so that I can work more mornings.

I doubt there is a single person out there who cannot finish that saying. In so many ways it is so true. I am coming up on two years since I started this journey and this journal. So much has changed and so much has stayed the same.

I came here to try and start my life anew. To find myself in these wide open spaces, away from the traps of a life I had always known. I have more friends than I have ever had before. I'm no longer the hermit I was before.

It's strange to try and compare who I am now to who I was. I am the same and yet, different. I can't quite explain it. I really can't...and I wish I could. There is still so much that I want to change about me...and I know this journey isn't over yet. I want to move on again...I just don't know where I will go.

There is so much more I know that I need to experience.

The path before my feet is still dark to my eyes, but I walk it anyway. I revel in every beauty and I suffer through the trials that face me. All the while I know, that this is the only path I can walk. It is the path that is meant for me...and me alone.

Three days of fishing and we finally found a good trout pond, but we didn't catch anything. The high-winds prevented us from being able to cast far enough. *sigh* One day I will finally catch something! Hopefully something I can bring home to BBQ.

Anyway the oddest thing happened today. I told Izzie that I couldn't sleep last night and what she responded with was something I think meant something else than what she said it meant. She said to me - "Are you going through one of your things again?" I almost felt that she meant something more than just another bout of insomnia, but she said that she was only talking about my insomnia.

It is something I have struggled with almost as long as I have known her, so she knows all about it. She has also lived with me and I am hoping she didn't pick up on anything else that comes with my insomnia sometimes. Maybe I'm just paranoid. I am hoping that I sleep well tonight, but I prepared. I bought some rye and coke so that if I can't sleep I can forget about not being able to. Booze doesn 't help me sleep, but it prevents me from dwelling on the fact that I can't...and it stops my mind (mostly) from travelling down roads of thought I'd rather not follow.

Here's to sleep...but I am worried that I won't be able to. If you see another post from me this evening than we know which it is....

After a full day off of running around, cooking, and working (don't ask), I am tired. I want to sleep because I have to get up early and get ready for my fishing trip tomorrow and run into work before we leave. Here I am all cuddled up with my furbabies....and nothing. I yawn, I turn over, I yawn some more, I beat my pillow and try to sleep. Nothing.

So here I am. Awake and needing to be up in a few hours. I just want to sleep. *grrr* I have a full day ahead of me tomorrow...and a full Sunday...and then I work 6 days straight because my boss forgot to give me my days off and I told her not to worry about fixing it...I can work straight through. *ARGH* I must be crazy.

I still have to get my "homework" finished as well. Which is why I was working on my day off. Theory for now....impress the pants off my boss to get promoted and make more money so I can continue to work one job to support myself.

Right now, I need to sleep....not laying here elbowing my cat out of the way so I can type...

I was just looking back on what I read and I realized that never once have I taken the time to tell all of you about the jungle in which I live. When I tell people how many animals are in my home, they always want to know exactly what is here. Well between me and my two roommates here is the list.

2 cats (both DSH)
2 finches (black-hooded nun and bronze winged mannikin)
1 veiled chameleon
1 bird-eating tarantula
1 black german shephern dog
1 ball python
1 emerald tree boa
3 gerbils
1 sugar glider
1 mali uromastyx
6 pyxie frogs
2 mantellas
4 red-eyed tree frogs
2 unidentified toads
3 betta splendens
155 gallon saltwater coral reef tank
40 gallon freshwater tank
?? mice (bred to feed to the other animals)

Now some of you may have no clue what some of these animals are and I would have provided links, but I have to get ready for work still....so you might just have to google it!

Now to top that off we also have plants all over the place. From herbs to pansies to succulents....and my single cactus. We have a coffee tree, a palm tree, and an umbrella tree (and those are all in the living room).

What do you think? Do I live in a jungle?

With one very tired Crystal. For the most part I just concentrated on soothing my sore neck and re-hydrating. I have quite the fantastic burn on my shoulders! It was so worth it though. :-D

In other news, I began learning how to fly fish today. I practice my casting technique this evening after work. Tomorrow I go and get my first fishing license ever! I'm gonna go trout fishing for the first time ever!!! YAY! I seriously can't wait to go!

Cheers!

So I spent the day getting wonderfully wasted, sunburnt and exhausted at the Monsters of Rock concert in Calgary, AB. It was such a blast. I mean...wow. Sooooo cool. Top fav performers 3 Inches of Blood and Judas Priest.

Man. I would post all about it if I didn't have to get up in a bit for church and then work. Instead I will just say it was fucking awesome. I am going to be so dead tomorrow.....errr...later today?

And of course you know, no outdoor concert is complete without rain! And it did rain off and on and took the pressure of the sun off our shoulders. It kicked butt. Next time I want to be down on the floor! We did have good seats though!

Here I sit, a book between to furry cat bookends. I feel so loved to be snuggled by two cats at the moment. :) Laptop sitting propped up by crossed legs. I would be so comfortable and content if not for one thing....

My feet are very much killing me. *sigh* Bad enough that I called the nurse hotline, after about a million and one questions her number one recommendation was to go and see a doctor. She was hopping that he could recommend me to a specialist. All I want is for my feet to stop hurting all the friggen time.

Of course if your feet are out, so is everything else. So I get shooting pains into my bad ankle...a sore back and stiff knees. BLAH.

Alright enoguh complaining.

I don't remember if I mentioned this or not (and frankly I am too lazy to check), but we got a dog. Well one of my roomies got a dog. His name is Seven (Sieben). He's a black german shepherd dog. He's the most adorable little monster and my cats are not in the least impressed with him! They forgive me though.

Eventually I will post a picture of him. I have a few on my camera.

Despite having the most incredible time last night I feel so dead today. I almost feel depressed in away, like I could break out crying at any moment for any reason. Perhaps I'm just tired, but I am trying to finish this short story. I was supposed to have it done a few days ago, but I'm having such a trouble putting the last few paragraphs together. *sigh* Need sleep and inspiration...Not necessarily in that order.

On another note, one of the girls at work is hypothesising that they're going to offer me Assistant Manger position in a few months. I was told that I *must* say yes. Not that I would say no, even if I didn't really want the position. It would look good to have management on my résumé. But will it be more trouble than it's worth? Will it pay enough? I'm told that they pay management VERY well.

Must force myself to be inspired to finish my current story. There is another one, an idea, that popped into my head today. Inspired by a question. It's busy brainstorming itself in the back of my mind.

I should be in bed...in fact, I was in bed. Till I felt the room shake. Well I should be used to that, I grew up in an earthquake zone. The sound that accompanied that shake was unreal. There is literally a thunderstorm right over head. By the sounds of things, a bad one. So instead of sleeping a few hours before work I am sitting here worrying about tornadoes.

There is quite a bit of wind whipping around the trees and there is a tornado watch up right now. Plus a warning I hadn't seen before on Weather Canada...so I think I am rightfully concerned.

Here's hoping the storm passes over with no issues!